Why Donald Trump is an Idiot

I guess Donald Trump was a phenomenon past my time. Whereas he used to actually be successful with his real estate empire and his home made of infant bones and puppy souls (or so I'm told), today he scrapes by with shameless cries to be relevant. The guy hosts a reality show that pits community college dropouts against former crack addicts for a chance to WORK FOR HIM. He claws his way to the front page of supermarket tabloids by making swipes at Rosie O'Donnell forchristsakes. If I got 15 minutes of fame every time I made a joke about Rosie O'Donnell, I'd be a household name, too.

Hey Rosie, why don't you host some more Kid's Choice Awards, you big fat fatty!? Hah, score.

Anyways, good ol' Donald Trump also makes a little scratch by peddling self-help books to the kind of people who buy that sort of thing-- namely your black sheep uncle and used car salesmen. I was douching around the Internet a few days ago when I stumbled upon this gem of an article. Why anyone would spend a waking minute of their life reading Trump's hardback version of the Holocaust is beyond me. But the fact that someone actually spent a few minutes of their life typing out a summary for others to read?

There's only one way to bring balance back to the world. Karma must be restored and I'm just brazen enough to do it.

Ten Ways Donald Trump Got Rich and You Won't Because He's Making This Shit Up

1. Don’t take vacations.
Right, that's a great way to kick things off-- tell people if they want to be rich, they have to work non-stop until they get that billion-dollar promotion. Or until their liver gives out from taking little mini-vacations to Boone's Farm every night because their life sucks. His argument is that unless you have a job that engages you and makes you happy, you'll never work your hardest and thus won't succeed. I see the logic but... seriously? That's about as wishy-washy as it gets. In my experience, you can succeed just the same by hating your job, taking lots of vacations, and just stealing get-rich schemes from Chuck Palahniuk novels. [editor's note-- I spelled that name correctly the first time and almost popped a boner]

2. Sleep is for the weak.
So says the man that probably sat on a mountain of cocaine for most of the 80's and moved to crystal meth when it became the in-vogue thing to do. How about this-- if you don't get enough sleep for three days in a row you will sleep through your fourth day of work and get fired. Trumpy says that being at work all the time shows your bosses how dedicated you are. I have a better idea, though. How about you just do what you're told and buy your boss enough stupid shit from Brookstone on random holidays to garner a promotion?

3. Have a short attention span.
Right. That's why every two seconds, someone at a top-tier university pops an Adderall. Short attention spans worked out great for everyone I knew in high school with ADD. I mean, some of them are shift managers at 7-11 now! People with short attention spans are the reason that President Bush got re-elected, they're the target audience of most reality TV (which Trump must love), and I believe the general consensus is that they're ruining the world. There's no possible way to spin that phrase in a positive light.

4. Don’t depend on technology.

RAWR!! DINOSAUR TRUMP HATES PROGRESS!!!

5. Being underestimated is a good thing.
In these times, I reckon that being underestimated is about half a notch above being completely worthless. Can you actually remember the last time someone asked you to do something unreasonable? Here's the hierarchy, and it's very much a no-shades-of-gray. Either you're a lazy asshole who doesn't put an effort into life, you do average work and you live the same day over and over again until you retire, or you're a pretentious hard worker who gets sexual satisfaction out of success. Believe me-- being underestimated by anyone is never good.

6. You are a one-man army.
Let me be a total college kid for just a second and quote Tyler Durden on this one [editor's note-- too much Chuck Palahniuk] : "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else..." The fact is that the most successful people in the world got there through groups of trusting connections or rich family members. You are not the one-man army. You're not even the one-man accounting department. You are the one man scumbag who needs to meet and use more important people in order to ascend to billionairity. Sure, you're on your own, but you're not going to get anywhere playing with yourself.

7. Success Leads to More Success.
Now this seems like an iron-clad, logical balloon that even my pin-headed cynicism can't pop. Sure, you ascend the ranks of society as you make money and raise your dick rating. I'll give Trump the kudos for summing Horatio Alger's works into a bullet point on a list in a self-help book. But Trump says that if you don't have success you should feign it. Good luck doing that without divorcing your wife and having the bank foreclose your house because you bought frivolous horseshit to impress your coworkers in marketing. Hard workers with charisma don't have to lie in order to be successful... they just have to sleep with their bosses. And believe me, when you sleep with your boss everyone knows you're a failure.

8. Ponder each decision carefully.
I love this guy! Point three was that you should have a short attention span. So "ponder" each decision carefully by focusing on it for about two seconds before spending the rest of your workday reading the Superficial. Point one was that if you aren't enjoying your job, you're in the wrong place. So follow your gut but only when it comes to where you're working, not how you're getting work done. Most jobs are so dead-end that the your decisions is usually between staying hired or being fired. No one's going to get a Scrooge McDuck vault full of gold coins if they sit around and pretend to be "pondering" an easy decision all day. And admit it-- when you're thinking things over, 99% of the time you're just stalling anyway.

9. Trust your family.
I wonder if these people would back him up on that...

10. Curiosity didn’t kill the cat.
BE CREATIVE! USE YOUR IMAGINATION! EXPLORE NEW WORLDS! THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX! I bet Trump's office is full of that Inspirations propaganda. Anyone who's ever worked in an office knows what I'm talking about.

I hope that now you understand why self-help books are a crock of shit and Donald Trump is a UN-recognized nation-state of shit. If you seriously can't find worthwhile advice anywhere in your life and you must resort to the Books-A-Million bestsellers list to fix your world, there's a book for you. It's called "HOW TO GET A NEW SET OF WORTHWHILE FRIENDS AFTER YOU MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF WHEREVER YOU'RE LIVING."

As a side note, writing "self-help book" more than twice in a week has reminded me how awful the movie Red Eye was. But Cillian Murphy can be the Irish cream in my coffee anytime.

Maybe if I'm lucky, the Trumpmeister will read my blog and cry a little on the inside before calling over Kathy Griffin and Todd Bridges and having a big C-List orgy to get his dopamine up.

(And Don, if your book was actually ghostwritten by Dr. Phil, make sure you punch him in the dick.)