The Great Literati Divide (or How to Kill a Student Newspaper)

Every Sunday evening, without fail, I would space out for an hour while the section editors and shakers of Rice's undergraduate newspaper argued about factual accuracy and page layout. My job as the Thresher's satirist was to give readers something to laugh at while they're taking a crap in Duncan Hall between classes, not to win a kiddie Pulitzer for the most hard-hitting investigation of campus inefficiencies. So, naturally, I often resented the fact that I was required to attend these meetings.

To the extent that I did listen, though, there was one resounding lament that I heard over the course of my tenure as Backpage editor: The Thresher's general decline in article quality. The news and copy sections have been embarrassed a number of times this past year thanks to awesome ineptitude demonstrated by the news writing staff. Check out the erratum in nearly every issue published in this year's volume. Last fall, the front page ran an article that reported one in five students was infected with H1N1 (when the number was closer to 2%). The downward trend hit rock bottom in February when Rice's administration was forced to write-in and correct glaring factual errors two weeks in a row.

Personally, I'm more upset about the decline in quality of another section: Op-Eds. The weekly editorial columns that the Thresher receives from the student body have all but flatlined in terms of caliber and general interest. Case in point: The Thresher's most prolific student author also happens to be the most out-of-touch when it comes to campus culture, writing in about how Houston is inferior to New York City and why final exams should be optional. This is the kind of thing I should have been writing about in my satire section and yet, somehow, columns like hers are still showing up on Page 3.

Pinpointing that "somehow" interests me severely. What happened to the Rice Thresher? Is Coffeehouse poisoning the staff with ayahuasca? No, because the Thresher doesn't receive free Coffeehouse coffee anymore. Thanks, Evan.

We are then left with a few reasonable explanations:

• There are no more good, dedicated writers at Rice University. They all graduated in '09.
• There are good writers at Rice University, but their work is purposefully sabotaged by the Thresher's editorial staff for some incomprehensible reason. Goddamn it Casey.
  
• There are good writers at Rice University, and they're just not writing for the Thresher.
  

Let's ignore that second point for a moment while we critically consider what has changed the landscape of Rice's undergraduate writing community over the past few years. Obviously, the first thing that comes to my mind is the Rice Standard (because Alice Townes is always on my mind, zing!). It's a student-run, university-independent magazine/blog that has really taken off in the past few year. Oh, and don't forget about Open, Rice's literary sex magazine. Open is like an episode of The Big Bang Theory with less blonds, more nudity and more frankness about nerds not getting laid. And then there's Catalyst (the research journal for kids).

Did I miss anyone? Probably. It seems like every niche at Rice has its own publication these days.

But if you take the time to read any of the publications mentioned above you'll realize that my first guess—that the good writers have gone the way of the dinosaurs—simply can't be true. The Standard (mostly) holds itself to an intellectual... standard that borders on cosmopolitan. There are a few exceptions to this rule but, on average, the essays posted on the Standard possess a quality and readability that easily exceeds that of the contemporary Thresher. While Open and Catalyst don't generate nearly as much content per year as the Standard, their existence still necessitate a certain amount of hard work and dedication from their respective editorial staffs, writers, and girls willing to show their butt-cracks to the campus. God bless you, youthful rebellion.

And so here we are, finally, at my thesis. Despite their respective intentions, publications like the Rice Standard are sucking the life out of Rice's student-run newspaper. Their crime is not a malicious crime but, instead, a crime perpetrated by sheer existence. They are draining the literary-oriented campus talent from its former, centralized location at the Thresher and directing it toward niche audiences with limited perspectives and smaller readerships.

The issue is simply a matter of limited resources. Rice's small campus has a fixed number of individuals willing to write for fun on a regular basis, and even fewer willing to read, edit and layout pages. These are busy kids. Future leaders, I'm told. And they're smart. They're going to write to maximize their exposure to interested readers, minimize the work involved in getting published and, perhaps most importantly, they're only going to write when they have the time to do so leisurely.

The Standard's WordPress format makes it easy for any member of Rice's literati to contribute a couple hundred words on a topic of their respective interest. They don't get paid, sure, but no one (except for it's own editorial staff) is writing for a living at the Thresher anyways. Standard writers also receive instant gratification and can easily and quickly engage their readers through a familiar commenting system. The Thresher's College Publisher-based website is laughably clunkier than the Standard; the rules governing when and how writers can comment on their articles on the Thresher's site are contrived and confusing.

On the other hand, the Standard's online-only format severely limits its ability to reach the entire campus. College newspapers-- at least, our college newspaper and most other small college newspapers-- don't necessarily follow the national trend of declining print newspaper readership caused by increased online readership. Picking up a free Thresher on Friday mornings is still a tradition well-ingrained in campus culture. There's even one particular professor who likes to talk to me during Friday ELEC lab about what he has read in the Thresher. The Standard, on the other hand, may reach students but not necessarily alumni and professors: It's just the nature of the beast.

And so, owing to convenience and prestige, the Standard has effectively stolen the campus' best writers away from the student body and directed their efforts toward reaching a smaller and more niche audience.

For that niche audience, though, convenience and prestige are a great thing. The Standard has a certain feel to it. Articles feel smarter. The site looks good. The pool of individuals who regularly comment on articles is small and personable. They laud intellectual discourse and shun stupidity. And while I have no doubt that the Standard is daily reading for some members of the campus administration, it is not scrutinized by the same pool of prospective students and their parents, alumni or faculty members who love to make a fuss when the Thresher does anything slightly subversive. Autonomy has made the Standard interesting.

The Standard, however, is not the face of Rice. The Thresher is the face of Rice. And when those same prospective students, alumni and faculty read yet another half-brained, last-minute opinion piece presented under the Thresher's masthead, they have to wonder what sort of students are running the student-run newspaper. Or what kind of students go to Rice.

It's in everyone's best interest for publications to present their best, most high-quality copy to the campus. But things have to change in order for that to happen. The literati have to branch out. The publications have to innovate and recognize that if any one of them is going to flourish, they have to sustainably manage their most valuable resource.

And lastly, I have my prescriptions. No giant rant pointing out the obvious would be complete without some ideas about where to go next.

For the Standard:

• Recognize that the Thresher is hurting as a result of your existence. This was, after all, one reason that the Standard was formed in the first place: As retaliation against what the founders perceived to be bias and lack of Rand-esque autonomy and free enterprise at the Thresher. Or because the founders were mad they couldn't inject their wacky, neoconservative opinions into the student newspaper. In any case, it's time to make nice.
  
• Encourage writers to increase their exposure by re-working their opinion articles toward the campus as a whole and submitting them to the Thresher. That's how activism works: Pounding every available outlet with your brand of the truth.
• Stay open to new ideas and collaboration with the Thresher. They have something you don't: Money. And they're probably willing to share it in the pursuit of readership.

For the Thresher:

• Realize where the good writers have gone, why they left and admit that you have suffered as a result.
• Work on writer incentives. Standardize (lolz) a workflow that makes it easier for writers to participate in the editorial process, provide commentary online and minimizes the amount of time they have to spend writing articles.
• In today's world, no one expects a print institution to provide the same sort of time-sensitive information that the Internet and social media provide. If an Op-Ed isn't time-sensitive but has potential, send it back for another week of revision. Work on articles for months at a time if you have to. The point is to recover some of that quality that has been lacking for the past year or two.
• Pay writers more money. If it's supposed to be an incentive, make it an incentive. Ten dollars per article is a joke to writers exhausted by their respective workloads.
• Stay open to new ideas and collaboration with the Standard. They have something you don't: Quality. And they're probably willing to share it in the pursuit of readership.

For the other campus publications:

• Just... I dunno. Write something for the Thresher and the Standard every now and then, even if it turns out to be a shallow promotion of your publication. Their editorial staff can always turn you down.

Now, what to do about armchair experts too selfish to write for any campus publication is another story entirely...

Yellow Journalism

Yesterday I wrote up a little diatribe about how ridiculous the Rice Standard has become, then deleted it soon after; it's way past the scope of needing me to poke holes in its crisp magazine pages, I thought. Who needs me when there's a painfully blatant libertarian bias-- the publisher's note says something like the "Standard will not kowtow to any party line," followed by an advertisement for a Rice Libertarians luncheon and a neocon wankfest of a book on the pages following-- mixed with infighting and a general lack of direction.

Maybe they actually DO publish the Standard with the full understanding that...

• ...only seven people on campus agree with maybe half of what's contained in any given issue, and three of those are just because they're friends with the authors.
  
• ...four people in metro Housto actually have the vocabulary to make it three sentences into an article written by Arturo Munoz.
• ...quoting Dave Eggers makes you indietrash from 2002.
• ...blogs belong online, not in print.
• ...Ron Paul will get not a single electoral vote.
  

But even if they did understand all that stuff and made strides towards fixing those few glaring problems, my main quibble with the Standard would still stand, which is:

THE RICE STANDARD IS UNNECESSARY.

It's like having an alternative press rag in a town of 5,000 people, except that said publication only writes about issues on the national level, and does so in prose style. Oh, and they only write about topics spanning about a square inch of the acre-wide political spectrum.

But okay. So why did I decide to come back today and write another diatribe? I got this e-mail not twenty minutes ago...

Dear Rice Standard Readers and Contributors,

As some of you may have noticed, Alice was omitted from the masthead of our latest issue. After almost a year of dedicated service as Editor-in-Chief of the Rice Standard, Alice is no longer a member of the Rice Standard family and organization. Alice asked to be removed from the editorial staff on Friday night after copy-editing. Her departure was not amicable, and while an invitation remains open for her return to the magazine, she has made no attempt at reconciliation. However, despite Friday’s events, our staff remained committed to printing and distributing our fifth full-length issue. It hit the colleges’ newsstands yesterday.

This message is to reassure all of you that the staff of the Rice Standard remains committed to producing a high quality magazine; a magazine that displays the creative and intellectual talent of all of you, and every other member of the Rice community. We, as an organization, have responded to the void created by Alice’s withdrawal, and are ready push forward and try to improve our already exceptional publication.

Therefore, I am pleased to announce that Matt Schumann, one of our Executive Editors and a noted contributor, will be filling the position of Editor-in-Chief. Matt has been a strong supporter of the magazine since its inception and I have his full assurance that he will carry on our standard of editorial excellence.

On a more personal note, the loss of Alice came as a surprise to all of us. Without her our magazine would not be where it is today. Nevertheless, the strength of our organization does not reside in one person alone. It is the support of all of you that makes this magazine possible.

The future is always unexpected and is always full of unlimited possibilities. I know that together we can produce the best campus magazine that Rice University has ever seen.

Sincerely,

John Stallcup
Publisher, The Rice Standard

But I guess if I'm going to publish that letter, you should probably have Alice side of things, too. So here's the LiveJournal snippet where she discusses her departure. From said link...

there's many larger problems than what happened last night including but not limited to a lot of accusations and criticisms of my personality and style, and of course some male chauvinism. there were considerable efforts made over the last month to characterize me as the socially inept, psychotic despot. and they've succeeded, and i'm gone.

Despite the fact that Alice would like to see me flattened under a steamroller a la Judge Doom in Who Framed Roger Rabbit...



... it's utterly ridiculous that she should be removed from the masthead of the pages she founded and paid for. It's not an act of fixing the magazine. It's an act of social revenge for some petty thing I'll probably never know about, like Alice serving the wrong kind of brown sauce with the foie gras at dinner last Saturday or whatever her friends get mad about. That's why these people aren't really journalists.

Unprofessional behavior.

Taking her out of the picture probably isn't going to fix much, either. Everyone's going to continue to write articles like they're being graded by Ralph Waldo Emerson. That gold-mongering, Ron Paul-loving libertarian lean isn't going away, either. They'll still be cracking the same whip over the same group of young, idealistic and morally devoid writers.

It's all so silly that, you know, I could only expect it to come from one publication. Thank God I have the Internet to absorb my pseudo-journalistic bitch rants.

Standard Procedure: Fun with the Code of Conduct

In case you've ever looked at me and wondered why I don't just buy t-shirts, it's because I like to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty. I prefer to force my hands deep into the muck of popular neo-libertarian culture and hope that nothing bites my hairy knuckles before I find some truth. And you can't do that real proper without the exaggerated action of rolling your sleeves up. That's why I'm in love with the Rice Standard-- it's basically a commune of people who would weave a throw for Ron Paul made out of their parents' skin, put in print and ready for my special brand of satire. You know, the kind puts my sleeves at elbow-level and forces me into heavy alcohol abuse.

So anyways, I didn't have to delve far into this month's (week's? semi-bi-quarterly's?) issue to find a real gem of a feature on the Rice University Code of Conduct. By gem, of course, I'm talking about that sound that gems make when you smash them into a chalkboard and pull downward with all your might. It's not so much an article, or story, or even really a piece of writing as much as something you might see on the message boards of FARK.com. Seriously. It's actually a set of bullet points, attempting to shred the wording of the Code of Conduct into barbacoa. Luckily, I eat barbacoa for dinner.

If you want to subject yourself to the entire magazine of bullet points, check it here. It's an unsigned piece, which means I can only assume that the entire staff of the Standard sat around for a week making guttural noises and drinking Vitamin Water while they poured through the CoC and tried to find misspelled words and forcibly injected chunks of asphalt from Fifth Avenue into the base of their necks.

But let's make this clear right off the bat: I'm not a puppet of the Rice Administration. I've had my own share of run-ins, as well as wincing in pain every time my roommate my friends people I may or may not know find themselves in the office of the big Don-O. But if you're going to attack a piece of legalese, please realize that attacking word choice and intentionally vague wording makes you sound more like the editor of a neo-libertarian literotica than a concerned citizen.

Crap. I made fun of bullet points. Now I can't pick the Standard apart like they picked apart the CoC. Or maybe I will. I think that's called... satire. Or being too lazy to delve into the deeper flaws of the piece.

I play reading the Standard sort of like I listen to music-- on random, with the fun stuff first. Check this out, for example.

“Possession of weapons, including all firearms (including legally registered ones), compressed air-guns, pellet guns, BB guns, or illegal knives, dangerous chemicals, or explosive devices (including fireworks) of any description.” Taking into account the “on or off campus” clause, this means possession of a toy pellet gun at your parents' house in a different state could be a Class I violation.

Okay, seventh-grade English time. Let's talk hyperbole. Hyperbole is where you take a completely rational thought and pump it with enough PCP and meth to destroy a a small town, then throw it back in everyone's face like you're a genius. Fans of hyperbole include girlfriends and politicians. But the Standard takes hyperbole and puts it on mushrooms, turning logic into a purple goo that breathes and drips down the wall and tells you to buy stock options. Thank God my brother owns the BB gun back in Florida and not me, or else I'd be an interstate criminal. I might even get U-Court. That sounds like something that would really happen.

Did you know our Constitution is worded such that we can set up concentration camps that imprison dumb people for eternity? It's true, but that doesn't mean that it's going to happen anytime soon.

Let's look at another piece of logical refuse.

“The Assistant Dean of Student Judicial Programs may modify the procedures in a particular matter in order to reach a timely and just decision.” “Timely and just” are fine, but defined by whom?

Wow, what a rhetorical question! It's not like this rule is purposefully vague to your advantage or anything. It must be because the evil vampires that run the university want to fuck the rules and throw kids in lockup the minute the case hits DO's desk. It couldn't be because the Office of Judicial Affairs sees a thousand ridiculous, frivolous cases a day a needs a legal route to throw them out to expedite the bureaucratic process. And defined by whom, you ask? God. Super-scientist Dr. Reed Richards. Me. Anyone but you, because you don't have enough common sense to realize that "timely and just" is just that-- common sense.

Let's grab one more. I'm sure you can make the rest of my predictable jokes on your own.

“All enrolled students are also subject to Rice University policies, rules and regulations whether they are on or off campus.” Most of the violations described do not distinguish as to where the violation took place.

What? You mean I can't cheat, lie, steal, and masturbate in the library while I'm off campus? You mean EVERYONE has to follow the rules?

Fuck this, I'm transferring to NYU. At least they got street vendors.

Standard Procedure: Things Get Graphic

I was frustrated. I knew there had to be a juicer scoop at the Rice Standard than the personal ads. I mean, this rag was low. They would publish just about anything to please their advertisers, I thought to myself as I kicked a soda can across the alleyway behind the Mudd building. It was dark with nothing but those god-awful sodium incandescents beating down from poles in the parking lot. I was thinking about what my next move would be. And suddenly it dawned on me-- personal ads are small time. If I could expose the sleazy companies that are really putting big bucks behind the Standard, I'd be a campus hero. Hell, maybe even a voting district hero. And maybe people would realize what I'd known all along.

Of course, the print ads that would be funding the next issue of the Standard would not be sitting on some broad's desk like the personal ads. This was going to take some serious social engineering beyond my scope. Luckily, that's why I have a roommate.

Louie was happy to oblige me in my quest to screw with the Standard. For two days I didn't see or hear from him. Then, on the third night, he burst into the room with his shirt in shreds and his face covered in ant bites. He was obviously very tired and somewhat drunk.

"Put these up, now!" he screamed under a hoarse voice, pushing a memory stick in my face. I snatched the item from his hands and slammed it into my laptop. Louie recoiled in the corner, crying by himself. Poor bastard would never be the same again. I shudder every time I think about what he must have done to get those ads for me.

So remember my roommate's sacrifice as you glance over today's feature...

The Rice Standard's Print Ads!

Libertarians? In MY vagina? It's more likely than you think.


Speaking of Fair Tax... Oh, wait, we weren't talking about the Fair Tax, were we?


Rogues do it from behind. Not that I would understand that joke or anything.


Campus apathy used to make me feel bad, but I just don't care anymore.


Probably a sign of the apocalypse. Or that God exists just to hate me.

Standard Procedure: Personal Ads!

There she was, standing in the doorway with light pounding behind her. She had a highball glass in hand. She was obviously very drunk.

And hey, there I was-- knee deep in danger with nothing but my wits to save my sorry ass. The business editor of the Rice Standard was staring right through me. She knew why I had broken into her room. She had to know. I was a gonzo journalist and she was nothing but a secretary with a jazzed-up job title.

I mean, come on. She answers the phone and moves money from point A to point B. Sometimes she writes things down on a notepad and hands it to some poor intern. I'm a man of journalism-- I refuse to give her the satisfaction of calling a desk jockey that has no hand in design or creative workmanship an "editor."

"Who the [pregnant pause] fuck..." she started, looking around her room cautiously with her head tilted to the floor.

"I err was em looking for uh Sandy. Sandy's your roommate, right?" I was sweating bullets. Big fifty cal hollow points. She was about to call the cops and I was going to be thrown into the rape dungeon at Harris County.

"No, Sandy lives down the hall." She made a lazy gesture with her hand and proceeded to crash into her bed face first. I laughed like a pirate as soon as I realized how messed up she was. I walked calmly and proudly out of her room and back to my own.

So what was I looking for? Why, the Rice Standard's most prized possession.

the rice standard's lost personal ads!

MISSED CONNECTIONS
saw u at 2nd floor brown during bacchanalia. u were tall n so hot. looked at me and said "dude, I'm ripped. jea. phx." call me back. ask for melody.

Worth a shot... I bumped into you at the Rice ACLU meeting a few weeks ago. You know, the one about actual civil liberties and not about pot or gun control? We were the only two people there so you better remember me. Call James.

shot in the dark-- literally. i was in the bushes watching you make out with some jock guy at bacchanalia. i already have your name and phone number and room number. i don't really know why i bought this ad. i'll be at your place on may 2 @ 6 to pick you up for dinner. you won't recognize me. xoxo, "doc"

Ran into you at the Of Montreal show a while back. I was the one with the jet black hair and the skintight pants. I really stood out. Call Bill.

MEN SEEKING WOMEN
I'm single and built like a bear. I'd love to take you to my place for some Wii Tennis and beer pong. Ask for Russ.

BI/CURIOUS
This Spartan warrior is looking for Arcadian companionship. Must be ready to go deep into Thermopylae. Sure, I have a girlfriend... but that hasn't stopped me in the past. Just ask Andrew Flowers. Call Mikey.

I NEED YOUR SEED INSIDE MY COLON. Please call Sean.

Sexually frustrated female seeks something new. Domination perhaps? Just take it easy on my shoulder. Call "A."

WOMEN SEEKING MEN
I like my coffee like I like my men-- hot, creamy, and Jewish. Peculator is a plus. Call Julie.

west-u hottie seeks a man my age to save me from the dinosaur i married! Ping.


That's all I got for now, folks. My next mission is to break into Alice's room and pick up some of the articles that even the Standard won't let you read!