Of Black Turtlenecks and Acid-Wash Jeans

So close your eyes for a moment and picture an event that calls together two of the world's most hated bodies: uppity geeks and journalists. This event is like a yearly sermon on the mount with the Jesus of Dickdom presiding over a sea of mop-headed nerds juiced on Starbucks and donning second-hand Armani jackets on top of ironic print T-shirts. The nerds are there to praise their prophet and reaffirm their large egos through what could only be called the largest technology circle jerk know to man. And the journalists-- just like eager pornographers ready to make a buck-- are ready to chronicle this ridiculous event, water it down, and feed it to the hungry masses.

Don't know what I'm talking about?

WWDC '06

This ridiculous gathering of Mac Addicts, bloggers, foreign press, and anyone who gets off on watching Steve Jobs move his hands around is the most sickening moment of the year for me and the biggest reason that I am so anti-Apple. It's not the technology that pisses me off, nor the snazzy interfacing, but the niche factor. The fact that owning an Apple product makes people feel like they're part of some grand movement or, even worse, the hippest hipster in town makes me gag. And when you get thousands of Apple addicts in one place for one big conference, well, I'm wondering why we can't pull a Dresden firebombing on the city of San Francisco.

One of the worst things about WWDC is, in fact, the hype leading up to it. People have been masturbating for the past 360-something days about what's going to be unveiled at THIS conference. An iPod phone? A new Nano? A giant Apple vibrator? Steve Jobs could probably shit in a bag on stage and throw it at the crowd and it would be hailed as the next big thing. In essence it doesn't matter what is released because people will praise it regardless.

It says a lot about the human race, actually: that if you polish plastic correctly, you can make anything into a staple of American consumerism.

The fanaticism, the blind worship by the media: it all comes to a head at WWDC.

Worldwide Dickhead Conference