I work hard for the money

People think I'm a katamari hell-bent on picking up every vice known to man and to some extent, they're right. It's just a matter of time until I'm on my knees in a crummy toilet stall clinching a belt between my teeth and shooting gerbil feces into my corrupted veins with a turkey baster because I've done everything else. But until that time comes I'll enjoy the newest little time-wasting vice that I've discovered: finances and investing.

Back as far as I can remember, which is a dwindling number due to the rotting of my brain, I've wanted to make my money work hard-- harder than sitting in a savings account gathering $.70 a month in interest. The idea that I can basically throw my money at a broker or a mutual fund and wait for them to hand me more money has always been alluring. I like to imagine myself as a Viking god in a Norse ship, beating a huge drum as dollar bills franticly push the oars and row me to paradise. That's was the dream at least.

So I started this summer on a mission: a mission to put away some of my hard-earned cash money into something safe yet fruitful. I read books by men millions of dollars older than me and scores of years wiser than me. I did research because that's what I get off on. I formulated a plan. I talked to people at work about what they do with their money. I wrote a lot of buzzwords on the back of my hand, like "diversification" and "diversify" and "diversity." The consensus was that I should break my investments into two categories.

• Big money in something steady and dependable, like a diverse mutual fund.
• Not so much money in something I'm familiar with

So I settled on Schwab Core Equity as my big boat and Raytheon as my small, rabid moneymaker. The idea is that the steady, dependable core equity will offset any losses that Raytheon might endure in the short run in order to keep me calm about my money. In reality, both investments are pretty dependable. If the equity fund ever gave out, well, that would mean that America fell under completely. If Raytheon ever gave out that would mean that America was done fighting wars. Hahahah, yeah, right. If it wasn't so complicated, I would totally invest in the Vice Fund, but Schwab has higher standards that to make that available to me.

So I dropped a sizable chunk (read: around half) of my monay into these investments, buying a lot more mutual fund than warmongering death company because I'm a giant pussy.

And how's it been going? Well, if you're actually man enough to click on those links up yonder, you'll see that everything's been on a downward slope SINCE I STARTED INVESTING. This has caused me much distress, since I've lost about $50 so far, but fuck, I can't let that get to me. I'm in this for the long haul. And when those babies start paying out dividends and Raytheon sends me a flying robot, I'll be the boss of the town.

Besides, it's something to do at work.