Ron Paul, you are making me die

Story highlights, for those who need them:

• I hate the Republicans. Except for Romney, who has a chin I would marry.
• Rice University students are stupider than you might guess.
• Ron Paul isn't stupid but he's responsible for my sleep apnea.
• I have a hundred-year plan to turn pollution into gold and candy. Elect me.
  

So I'm watching the Des Moines Register's big little Republican debate right now. If you can imagine staring right into the sun while simultaneously having your ears are assaulted by a thousand fire ants, you might have an idea how painful this experience is for a liberal douche like myself. But I haven't talked national politics in a while and I feel like I owe it to the people who don't give a flying shit about flailing magazines at Rice University to change the course of this blog.

If you want an idea what the political climate at Rice University stands, you don't have to look much further than this little slice of cyberspace: http://www.rontorice.org/.

Seriously, take a look at that site for a minute. Bask in its sub-Web 2.0 look. Be transported to a time when the Internet's worst web sites didn't even look that great. Check out those YouTube videos! Then realize that this is a real candidate who has won the hearts of every college student looking for an anti-establishment hero.

Holy fucking dogshit. Not at my college.

Ron Paul is systematically taking pieces of my soul with a melon scooper, day by day, scoop by scoop. It's not his policies that drive me insane. His ideas are good ideas. Diversifying America's economic basis? Not too shabby. Libertarian values? I'm down with some of those. Ron Paul is one of those starry-eyed politicians who has a lot of great ideas.

Great ideas that could only be implemented AFTER we dismantle the entire government, arrest every corporate board member in the country, make drugs safe for everyone that uses them, reverse America's established foreign doctrine, and forget the lessons that established the institutions and rules I just brought up.

My problem is that Ron Paul's supporters just don't get it. The things he wants to do-- dismantle the Federal Reserve, for example-- would take more than the two terms a US President is afforded. And yet there are students at Rice University who don't see this. They're wrapped up in the armchair expertise of the same people who start flamewars on FARK and Digg.

I'm going to interrupt this politically-charged post to let everyone know that at 2:30 every weekday on PBS, there's a wickedly strange show called "Between the Lions" broadcast to children all over the world. Try to imagine what would happen if Wonder Showzen's producers actually made a for-serious children's show with the same effects and transitions as WS, and tried to get you to read, you'd have this shit. And it's restoring those little pieces of my soul.

Anyways, what was I saying? Something about Ron Paul.

It's like Rice students never took a serious history class back in high school. Even if Ron Paul were to try to implement one of his policies, he'd meet impossible opposition from, oh, THE DEMOCRATS IN CONGRESS WHO HAPPEN TO HATE REPUBLICANS. Remember how much policy Clinton got pushed through the GOP Congress during the 90's? Like, two things. Maybe you weren't reading Time when you were 8, but I was.

And I'm criticizing his ideas under the the unrealistic assumption that he wouldn't just be a tool of his party after his election, which is after all the way American politics have worked since Jefferson.

You realize that, right? No candidate as maverick as Ron Paul has ever been endorsed by a major party. Ever. And if Ron Paul runs as an independent, you might as well write in your vote for that other rich Texas politico...


...remember him? Seemingly old, starry-eyed man who wanted to reinvent America for the better and had a rabid base of grassroots support? H Ron Paul... err, H Ross Perot.

Ron Paul. Ross Perot. RP + RP 4 Ever.

All Ron Paul is going to do is eat the votes of college students and educated Internet-dwellers, which is ultimately going to put Mike Huckabee or Mitt Romney's Chin in office. And then you'll get another four years of Republican shadow government and basically the opposite of Ron Paul's happy-go-lucky worldview.

You can fight for the improvement of the world, but your revolution is going to ultimately bring this country down. In America, you draw in the lines to get things done, not write the world LOVE backwards and teabag the IRS with a blimp.

But if you still can't see all this, go ahead and register Republican. Inflate their supporter numbers and allow them more sway. Whatever. Just don't vote for Allen Keys. He's fucking CRAZY.

And that's all I'm gonna say about that.