Dude, where's my turkey?

I had a lot of fun being divisive in high school. While many people remember me as "that smart guy who sported Hawaiian-print T-shirts that were way too big for his tiny, rounded shoulders," others may recall that I wrote some intense and politically-charged opinions that got circulated around the school and caused commotion. But those days are over and I'm not just talking about my wardrobe.

I'm too unsure of myself to be 100% argumentative these days. College does that to you, as does trying to be as open-minded as possible. And being a giant pussy-- I'm sure someone would have pointed that out if I hadn't written it myself. I sporadically toiled over my magical cauldron this past week, throwing participles and historically relevant jokes into the brew and hoping that a noteworthy opinion column for the Thresher would inch its way out. Something came out, all right, but when I hold it against my writings of old...

I don't know. It's a winner, this new column. I'm still going to publish it. But I miss the days when I could stand firm on top of a highly offensive, blatantly one-sided liberal wankfest and laugh, ears covered, going "lalalalala" at the conservative-minded denizens of Panama City Beach trying to argue with me.

And though I do miss those days, I dare not return to them now. This is Rice University and not a high school in the Bible Belt. The conservatives around here know how to rip you a new asshole on the "Letters to the Editor" page, relentlessly, even when they know they're wrong. What did Nick Naylor say in Thank You for Smoking? Something about how winning arguments means never being wrong. I don't remember, I was too busy watching him hump Katie Holmes and thinking about humping Katie Holmes for the next five days.

And that brings me to the fun part about being published in print. No, not all the sex with Katie Holmes. The fun part about writing to a print publication is that your entire argument has to be spelled out and every end tied up. You don't get a chance to debate every person who takes issue with your opinion, unlike the Internet which basically exists for that purpose.

So we will see how this next article is received by the masses. Those troubled masses yearning to be free from, uh, things. If I had to guess which quote they're going to pull to stylistically eat up page revenue, it would be...

"Rice activism and involvement begins and ends with the "Join Group" link next to your favorite cause on Facebook."

See you in the funny papers.

[Note: Before you criticize the grammar and punctuation in a list-form comment, I've noticed that NO ONE has been blogging lately. At least no one I like. I'm sort of drowning in the flames of my own personal Google Reader hell. So before you go tearing down my fake empire of literary supremacy, I suggest you try being prolific and entertaining so I can rip your world to shreds :-)]

[Actually, I take that back. I love comments. Give me attention in any form.]