confused nation
gettin' famous
on the internets
since 2001
2009 print edition

Put the boots to him, medium style

I still don't have Internet in my apartment, hence the lack of updates or anything interesting on this page for the past week. It's really taking its toll on me, too. Instead of doing anything productive like, say, reading a book, I instead spend most of my time enjoying my Ikea futon and watching one of the four channels of broadcast television that I can pick up.

I've watched a lot of Montel this past week. I've also eaten a lot of Lean Cuisine and watched a lot of America's Funniest Home Videos. I really, really need my Internet connection back.

I guess I'll go try to finish Microserfs.

Fucking Time Warner Cable.

Movin in!

My new house! Er.. Apartment!

Sheer Middle-Class Exhaustion

Jesus, what a vacation.

I saw a grand total of four friends on a personal basis, and a few other people at my brother's graduation ceremony. Thank you, friends. Everyone else-- you're dead to me.

Just kidding. I know how busy and exciting Panama City Beach can be.

Anyways, right now my car is packed to the taint with every random piece of wonderful-ness that my mom could stand to part with. I'll probably be getting around 4 MPG (highway) in my 2003 Honda Accord with all that shit suffocating every interior inch.

Thanks for letting me take a break from the site and enjoy doing absolutely nothing. Now for the adventure of driving cross-country by myself, signing over a thousand-dollar check to some apartment lady, and moving in with the help of my lazy wonderful, able-bodied Rice friends.

I was trying to figure out how I'm going to watch House and 24 next year without paying for it. I could just download everything, but that takes the ritual out of Monday and Tuesday nights. Fuck that. Did you know that HDTV is broadcast FOR FREE? It is. But I don't have an HDTV tuner in my HDTV-heady TV. So here's the idea.

HDTV SIGNAL --> UHF/VHF Antenna --> USB HDTV TUNER in laptop --> S-Video or VGA or something connection to TV

If you have any ideas about how to get better-than-NTSC-quality programming to an HDTV-ready TV without paying out my ass for digital cable, let me know.

I'll be funny once I move in, barring a complete emotional breakdown. I mean, I'm pretty lucky, but this is more work than I'm used to doing on my own. Builds character, they say. I'll get through it. It's all worth it. It's most definitely worth it. At least I'm not bitching because I failed nine hours of coursework and I double-booked my 10AM slot with BOTH the hair dresser AND the Asian nail ladies. Cough cough.

Saltwater Grill can have my firstborn...

...and cook it medium rare. Best. Steak. Ever.

...the more things stay the same.

You know the feeling-- your balls hug up against the bottom of your stomach, your heart beats like the drums on the first day of middle school band class, and you mind jumps to every single moment during the past semester where you decided to watch I <3 New York.

Esther's Wrath is what I'd call it. You'd call it something else, depending on your college's student management site is called. Mine's called Esther.

It's masochism, how often I've checked my final grades between exams and now. I know what I should do is just wait until the grade submission deadline to peek at those negative letters. After all, the work has all been turned in. The deed is done. There's nothing left to do but wait until the dose hits the tubes, yet I torture myself by F5ing the hell out of the "Spring 2007 Final Grades" page from the last day of exams onward.

But despite my utter addiction to that split-second cocktail of fear and regret, my grades are back.


Subject Course Course Title Final Grade Attempted Earned GPA Hours
ELEC 220 FUNDAMENTALS OF COMPUTER ENGINEERING B-

4.000

4.000

4.000


ELEC 242 FUNDAMENTALS OF ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING II B-

4.000

4.000

4.000


ELEC 262 INTRODUCTION TO WAVES AND PHOTONICS B

3.000

3.000

3.000


ELEC 391 PROFESSIONAL ISSUES IN ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING A

1.000

1.000

1.000


ENGL 175 GLOBAL LITERATURES IN ENGLISH P

3.000

3.000

0.000



I think I'm doing pretty well to have B's and A's attached to my transcript this semester. It was another set of months that brought challenges both socially and academically, and each set would have been quite enough work on its own. But I pulled through and proved that once again, I can't be an atheist because there's some mighty power pushing me towards success.

I guess I could think of this semester as the entirety of Seinfeld. If anyone remembers the first and last episodes of the series, they'll recall that the show ends on the same joke as it started. My joke of a GPA also hasn't budged... I actually got the perfect combination of grades to keep the damn thing from going up or down.

But wait, I take that back. I hate people that frown on me for having a GPA .04 below 3.0. You know what a 3.0 is at Rice? It's an 85% success rate in your classes, exactly. You know what a 2.96 is? It's like... something. I don't know, I've turned my math brain off for the next couple weeks. But you know what I'm saying. I'm not doing dismal at all.

So once again, I've pulled it out of my ass. With a little help from my friends.

Thanks, friends. Really.

My brother's name came too early

Graduation sure is boring. Just ask ben or roy.

Barrels of Crack

Nothing like dinner on the interstate.

Movin' and stressin'

To-do list--

  • Pack shit. I'm in pretty good shit. Two or three boxes stored at the 'splade with my friends and two boxes back home with me.
  • Write a big introspective post about life with my friends for the past two semesters.
  • Keep blogging.
  • Drive home.
  • Finalize everything with my apt.
This is seriously all I have time for right now. I'll try to photoblog until I'm back in Panama City Beach. For everyone already back in FL, I'll see you Sunday/Monday.

Goodbye, Will Rice College 90's.

Standard Procedure: Things Get Graphic

I was frustrated. I knew there had to be a juicer scoop at the Rice Standard than the personal ads. I mean, this rag was low. They would publish just about anything to please their advertisers, I thought to myself as I kicked a soda can across the alleyway behind the Mudd building. It was dark with nothing but those god-awful sodium incandescents beating down from poles in the parking lot. I was thinking about what my next move would be. And suddenly it dawned on me-- personal ads are small time. If I could expose the sleazy companies that are really putting big bucks behind the Standard, I'd be a campus hero. Hell, maybe even a voting district hero. And maybe people would realize what I'd known all along.

Of course, the print ads that would be funding the next issue of the Standard would not be sitting on some broad's desk like the personal ads. This was going to take some serious social engineering beyond my scope. Luckily, that's why I have a roommate.

Louie was happy to oblige me in my quest to screw with the Standard. For two days I didn't see or hear from him. Then, on the third night, he burst into the room with his shirt in shreds and his face covered in ant bites. He was obviously very tired and somewhat drunk.

"Put these up, now!" he screamed under a hoarse voice, pushing a memory stick in my face. I snatched the item from his hands and slammed it into my laptop. Louie recoiled in the corner, crying by himself. Poor bastard would never be the same again. I shudder every time I think about what he must have done to get those ads for me.

So remember my roommate's sacrifice as you glance over today's feature...

The Rice Standard's Print Ads!

Libertarians? In MY vagina? It's more likely than you think.


Speaking of Fair Tax... Oh, wait, we weren't talking about the Fair Tax, were we?


Rogues do it from behind. Not that I would understand that joke or anything.


Campus apathy used to make me feel bad, but I just don't care anymore.


Probably a sign of the apocalypse. Or that God exists just to hate me.

How to lose friends and go to hell

Yes, that is wasabi paste. Ironically, it's placed right next to the fire extinguisher.

Rice has more magazines than Nobel Laureates

I was perusing Facebook earlier today when I noticed that in the past few hours, over a hundred students have joined a group in support of Open - Rices first literary sex magazine (Facebook members only, sorry) . For those who can't read it, let me just post the group's description in its entirety...

Open will represent the multitudes of Rice student’s perspectives about sex in addition to featuring informative articles, opinion essays, poems, fiction, photography, art, polls and interviews. The title Open conveys our goal of encouraging healthy dialogue and open-minded discussions about a topic that is too important and relevant to leave societal influence to pop culture and media alone. Open will fill the void and encourage students to learn from each other while stimulating the intellectually open environment that college is all about.

Join the group if you support Open!
For those of you who live in Fairmont, Washington and have no idea why this is strange, let me give you a little context. Rice University has more media outlets than it needs, including...
I hate to rain on everyone's parade-- I really do-- but this is getting a little fucking ridiculous. It seems like if there's a group of ten people with similar interests these days, they have their own magazine. Today, Open. Tomorrow? THE RICE BOWL, for Rice's stoner population. Or maybe RICE MONSTER TRUCK QUARTERLY. And if you're going to argue that everyone cares about sex, I could just as easily draft up an issue of The Rice Ice Cream Review, because everyone loves to jam on some Ben and Jerry's. Sometimes it's better than sex.

It's fairly obvious why this is happening: People want to circumvent the editorial process. Maybe it's because they feel like the editors of the Thresher are closed-minded. Maybe it's because they feel more important than the editorial process. Or maybe, JUST MAYBE, they crave attention.

Here's an idea for the founding members of Open-- save yourself a couple grand and weeks worth of hard work and instead collaborate. Write for the Standard if you want to talk about something that the Thresher won't touch. They'll publish it. They love publishing shit like that. Or get a blog. Winners seem to have blogs.

I remember when the Thresher had a sex columnist. The founders of Open wouldn't remember this because it was last year and they're all ego eager freshmen. It ran for like two issues before interest dwindled to nil. News flash: No one wants to read about the great sex you're having with your boyfriend. Unless it's in Hustler Fantasies, in which case you're not exactly talking about Rice students anymore. Nor does anyone at this university care about sex tips. Either you're not having it because it's a personal (and moderately respectable, though not holier-than-thou) choice, or you're having as much as you care to have and you aren't going to take tips from someone else.

I shudder to think of how they're going to fill this publication, too. Unless it's less of a magazine and more of a folded 14" by 11" piece of paper. I mean, I actually know how they're going to do it because it's a student publication and it's going to be like a niche version of the Standard. They're going to get two students who consider themselves artists to fill about two pages with sexually-themed, "liberating" artwork. Then they're going to have at least two fiction stories about sex, editorial columns about sex, and then they'll publish the worst letters to the editor to refute dissenting opinions and glorify themselves. Maybe there will be funny cartoons on the back.

I'm not threatened by a magazine about sex, though I have a feeling that most (if any) protest to this up-and-coming publication will be from Rice's Christian/right-wing (same thing) population. Which is dumb. Someone could print a 30-page glossy about bestiality for all I care.

What I do care about is a flagrant misrepresentation of this campus's interests and students. The undergraduate population isn't begging for an entire magazine about sex. The public is going to interpret this as gross and unnecessary and it's going to reflect poorly on everyone. And all because a few people decided they want to express the sexuality that they've doubtlessly known for a few years of their life.

Like I said-- if you have something worthwhile to say about sex, hand it to the editor of the Thresher or the Standard. Don't just circumvent the process of editorial review because you think you're more important.

If you have to say something that no one cares about, write about it on your website.