Standard Procedure: Personal Ads!

There she was, standing in the doorway with light pounding behind her. She had a highball glass in hand. She was obviously very drunk.

And hey, there I was-- knee deep in danger with nothing but my wits to save my sorry ass. The business editor of the Rice Standard was staring right through me. She knew why I had broken into her room. She had to know. I was a gonzo journalist and she was nothing but a secretary with a jazzed-up job title.

I mean, come on. She answers the phone and moves money from point A to point B. Sometimes she writes things down on a notepad and hands it to some poor intern. I'm a man of journalism-- I refuse to give her the satisfaction of calling a desk jockey that has no hand in design or creative workmanship an "editor."

"Who the [pregnant pause] fuck..." she started, looking around her room cautiously with her head tilted to the floor.

"I err was em looking for uh Sandy. Sandy's your roommate, right?" I was sweating bullets. Big fifty cal hollow points. She was about to call the cops and I was going to be thrown into the rape dungeon at Harris County.

"No, Sandy lives down the hall." She made a lazy gesture with her hand and proceeded to crash into her bed face first. I laughed like a pirate as soon as I realized how messed up she was. I walked calmly and proudly out of her room and back to my own.

So what was I looking for? Why, the Rice Standard's most prized possession.

the rice standard's lost personal ads!

MISSED CONNECTIONS
saw u at 2nd floor brown during bacchanalia. u were tall n so hot. looked at me and said "dude, I'm ripped. jea. phx." call me back. ask for melody.

Worth a shot... I bumped into you at the Rice ACLU meeting a few weeks ago. You know, the one about actual civil liberties and not about pot or gun control? We were the only two people there so you better remember me. Call James.

shot in the dark-- literally. i was in the bushes watching you make out with some jock guy at bacchanalia. i already have your name and phone number and room number. i don't really know why i bought this ad. i'll be at your place on may 2 @ 6 to pick you up for dinner. you won't recognize me. xoxo, "doc"

Ran into you at the Of Montreal show a while back. I was the one with the jet black hair and the skintight pants. I really stood out. Call Bill.

MEN SEEKING WOMEN
I'm single and built like a bear. I'd love to take you to my place for some Wii Tennis and beer pong. Ask for Russ.

BI/CURIOUS
This Spartan warrior is looking for Arcadian companionship. Must be ready to go deep into Thermopylae. Sure, I have a girlfriend... but that hasn't stopped me in the past. Just ask Andrew Flowers. Call Mikey.

I NEED YOUR SEED INSIDE MY COLON. Please call Sean.

Sexually frustrated female seeks something new. Domination perhaps? Just take it easy on my shoulder. Call "A."

WOMEN SEEKING MEN
I like my coffee like I like my men-- hot, creamy, and Jewish. Peculator is a plus. Call Julie.

west-u hottie seeks a man my age to save me from the dinosaur i married! Ping.


That's all I got for now, folks. My next mission is to break into Alice's room and pick up some of the articles that even the Standard won't let you read!