I read this thing

What follows is the secession speech for Albert Patrick College, the residence in which I live. Authored and read by yours truly. Just try to imagine me really really worked up.

There is a spectre haunting this residential college-- the spectre of Albert P. Patrick, Esquire. One hundred and seven years ago, this brave man-- our fearless leader-- stood up for the values of greed, shameless obstruction of justice, and murder. Though his legacy lives on through disciples such as President Bush, the GOP, and rap music, we feel that his presence at this residential college can no longer be ignored. Albert Patrick lives on through our Party.

Our Party-- the Albert Patrick College party-- is as human as you and I. The voice of our party wakes you on Friday nights as you toss and turn, unsatisfied with your scholastic way of life. The beer kegs stacked high outside our residence are the substance of our party. Our party breathes smoke and sweats grain alcohol as it labors to fix all that William Marsh Rice has corrupted. It is not Comrade Warner who holds our feet during keg stands-- it is the festive, decadent spirit of Albert Patrick.

And how are we rewarded for our hard work? You marginalize us. You isolate us to this desolate corner of the campus, filthy with cigarette butts, graffiti, broken bottles, and the smell of Mike's cooking. You twist the arm of the law to your advantage, using so-called "noise complaints" as an excuse to harass us. Hanszen turns its back to the party-- they won't even bother rocking our faces off. All we can do is duck and cover while Sid Rich bombards us with awful music and shrimp cocktail. Your corrupt government won't even provide us with funding to support our party despite all of our hardships.

For years you have isolated and embarrassed us. You berated us publicly in a college-wide meeting last year. When we tried to do a little redecorating in the kitchen-- you know, with holes in the wall and dirty dishes piled high in the sink-- you moved our weekly gatherings to the dank and dark basement. But you hardened our resolve, and on March 28, 2006-- a Room Jack that will live in infamy-- we formed our party.

We will not allow this injustice to stand any longer. In the words of Chairman Mao, "If there is to be a revolution, there must be a revolutionary party." My peers, we are the revolutionary party. We stand before you tonight united, as we have been all year, in our mission to bring sleaze, sex, stupidity, decadence, deliciousness, and debauchery to your doorsteps.

President Sharpe, members of the Electoral Council, College Master Wolf, and fellow proletariat of the university, the members of the Will Rice College 90s's hereby secede to form Albert Patrick College.

(exit, chanting "unh, jea, word, respek, delicious")