Maybe Suri is already in rehab...

So part of my daily routine when I get to work is to catch myself up on the daily news. Lately this has been a depressing chore. People killing people killing children killing dogs killing whatever-- that's all the news is these days. So logically, my brain has started to ignore the words "dead" and "killed" sort of like how your brain filters out background noise when you're in a crowded place. So I'm on CNN and the only link that my mathematical mind allowed me to see was this.

Articles about Suri Cruise are always a win-win situation. I encourage you to read them whenever you get the chance. If you're not up on the hub-ub about Suri, let me give you a military style debriefing

• Tom Cruise and Nicole... no, somebody... um, Katie Holmes had a baby named Suri.
• Suri is Latin for "big," like Tom's horse teeth or the empty space between Katie's head. It's also Arabic for "holy war" and German for "Neo-Nazi" and French for "Freedom Fries."
• The Liberal Media, being the child molesters that they are, want nothing more than a body shot of baby Suri that they can proliferate in supermarkets nationwide.
  
• Tom and Katie (or probably just Tom since Katie's busy being audited(tm)) want to protect his devil spawn from media exploitation. Because it's a good idea to hide your children from the public.
• And since the public hasn't received any pictures of Suri, the new theory is that the child doesn't exist, just like the wind... or God. The idea is that Suri is simply a publicity stunt... like God.

Now back to why this is a win-win situation for all parties interested. If Suri turns out to be fake and the whole thing was indeed a publicity stunt then... shit. Do I have to explain why that would be awesome? If it was indeed faked, Tom Cruise would be forever shunned and blacklisted and be demoted to B-List celebrity status because he FAKED HAVING A BABY. They wouldn't even let him play himself in the retarded movie about how he FAKED HAVING A BABY. Katie Holmes would be forced to work the streets for money after FAKING HAVING A BABY, solving the problem of Matt's virginity outright. In fact, I'm pretty sure great thing would happen if Suri was faked. The problems of the universe would untangle, the countries of the world would respect America, the Middle East would come to a lasting peace, and cars would run on the golden farts of flying pigs.

But what if Suri turns out to be real? That doesn't really bother me, either. First, there's always going to be lasting suspicion that Suri is not the child of Tom and Katie, meaning that the media will always preface stories about her with "Possibly nonexistent child Suri Cruise..." no matter if there's a body and a blood test and a letter from L. Ron himself. Second, Tom and Katie will always look like giant cuntballs for not just showing the world their child. Have you opened a Sunday paper recently? There is a fucking SECTION OF THE SUNDAY PAPER DEDICATED TO SHOWING OFF NEWBORNS. Every new parent in this country does it. You've got to be shitting in my cereal if you're telling me two proud parents like Tom and Katie didn't want to show off their perfect little angle... err angel.

I would really love to take this opportunity to take a jab at Mel Gibson but, shit, I think he's already being gassed and roasted as it is. I think I'll just watch from the sidelines as his career gets Blitzballed.