Fecal warfare

I figured it out. Today, after downing my two scoops of delicious whey protein powder I had the runs like I always do. And in the bathroom, amidst the copies of Popular Science and the obscure engineering magazines that no one cares about (like OHMS MONTHLY! ZIP! ZOOM! BAM! RESISTANCE!), I figured out how to solve the crisis in the Middle East.

It's complicated, so stick with me here.

The US Military is always complaining about not having the correct tools for urban warfare against the Islamic fundamentalists. Even though they're holding out oodles of my paycheck to pay for research and development of unmanned drones, cannons, dazzlers, sparklers, and tanks that shoot rubber tire shreds, I don't really think they've figured it out yet. After all, how do you battle someone who willingly straps a bomb to his back and builds a base in an elementary school? I'll tell you how.

Use their culture against them with a weapon of high supply and low demand.

"Now whoa whoa whoa," you might say. "That seems like a pipe dream. What are we going to do, throw yellow ribbon car magnets at them?"

Close. We're going to sling our poo.

Before you dismiss my idea as pie (or poop) in the sky, consider this. As any Muslim will gladly tell you before blowing up the plane you're both traveling on, people of Islam are highly conscious of their dignity. Especially the fundamentalists. These are people that kill themselves over eating pork. These are people that kill themselves over praying two degrees off from Mecca. They're highly susceptible to having their dignity squashed, unlike Americans.

And as Americans, I don't think we're above driving our enemies to suicide by using their culture and religion and way of life against them. We're kind of like the opposite of them. So, for your viewing pleasure, I present to you a guide to weapons that will win in a Muslim world.

Ammunition. Every weapons outlined will be loaded with 50mm Standard Issue Defication (SID). Every SID round consists of at least 60% pork byproduct with the other 40% differing according to the diet of the SID producer. Most SID will come from deployed soldiers fed a steady diet of truly American hot dogs, hamburgers, high proof grain alcohol, rainwater, and bits of the King James Bible. Americans back home can also donate to the cause by unloading their septic tank at the nearest military base or recruiting center or Baptist church. Rather than gunpowder or HE, the SID uses compressed cow methane to propel its projectile.

The Fecal Flack Cannon. Quite a weapon to behold, the Fecal Flack Cannon is a modified version of the anti-aircraft flack cannon weapon. This version, however, is used as a mid-range crowd control device lobbing pounds of brown matter up to one mile.

Mud Mortar. Also a long range device, this mortar device is operated by a team of infantry front-loading SID into the breach. Has a ten foot kill zone on impact with a thirty foot radius of projectile shit.

The Shit Shotgun. Preferred choice of close-combat infantry, the shit shotgun shoots large slugs of SID or capsules of SID pellets. In urban combat situations, the Shit Shotgun has no equal.

Standard Issue Poo-retta. Considering that every soldier needs a standard issue backup weapon, this short-range pistol is the last resort in the war on terror.

JDAM (Joint Directed Ass Munition). For our Allies in the Air, the JDAM is the latest in guided bomb technology. A series of navigation systems guide the JDAM to its target, where a spray of feces is released over the surrounding area. Key to knocking out food supplies and large concentrations of enemies.

If you have any more ideas, please forward them to me. Yes, yes, you can thank me for saving the world later. Right now, I have to draft a letter to Donald Rumsfeld.