Where was I supposed to go? Detroit?

I have a very limited range of sympathy for the Big Three automakers here in America. These companies have pushed grossly inefficient, unnecessarily large, and ridiculously expensive vehicles down the throats of consumers for over a decade, with pride, joy, and images of American flags set to country music. And before that, they were wiping their asses with pink slips and delivering them to thousands of blue-collar Americans as the automakers exploited the merits of NAFTA for their own selfish benefit. NAFTA passed under the assumption that US industrial leaders would expand their businesses into Mexico and Canada, not move a majority of their manufacturing duties out of the country in order to turn bigger profit margins.

They've helped to enforce a worldwide stereotype of American greed and disregard for the environment.

And now they're paying. The Big Three used their greedy, teeth-lined suckers to draw all the money they could out of America's unhinging upper-middle class, and coffers once padded with dot-com era dividends are shrinking. Or at least shrinking enough to make people think about where they're putting their next paycheck. Suddenly, the UMC is asking themselves why it makes sense to drop a Benjamin every week just to get to work. Or even half a Benjamin. Suddenly, those machismo-inspiring F150's and those divider-hugging H2's don't seem like the best status symbols money can buy.

People aren't visiting their local Ford dealership and laying down a year's salary on a new gas-guzzler. But more importantly, they're not buying the cheaper, used SUV's and pickups that saturate the pre-owned vehicle market. Not only are the self-righteous automakers getting screwed, but they've also inadvertently screwed the entire auto sales industry by saturating the market with four-year-old sport utility riggers.

With this in mind, and without a shred of guilt about it, I find myself aligned with a good majority of Republicans who say it's high time that Detroit sank into bankruptcy. Congressional Democrats-- or at least a good number of them-- are pushing for a bailout of the American automobile industry. Justification ranges from "if this happens, we'll move from recession to depression," to "we have to do everything we can to prevent lost jobs in this economy."

I call bullshit.

Okay, not completely. We DO have to do something. Here's my ideal "something":

• Enforce our current bankruptcy rules on the auto industry with heightened scrutiny and a general sense of direction. After all, Chapter 11 exists FOR EXACTLY THIS SORT OF SITUATION. We don't need new rules-- we need to stick to the ones we've used for decades.
  
• Use that "bailout" money-- or part of it-- to fund the socialized programs that will help Detroit's blue-collar workers transition into the NEW American auto industry. THIS IS EXACTLY THE SORT OF SITUATION THAT WARRANTS AN UNEMPLOYMENT AGENCY AND WELFARE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
  
• Dump some more bailout money into academia and privately-funded ventures to develop short-term fuel efficiency solutions. WE FUND SCHOOLS SO THAT BRAIN POWER CAN PULL US OUT OF SITUATIONS LIKE THIS.
  
• Set auto efficiency goals that Ford, GM, and Chrysler must meet over specific timetables in order to receive SOME federal subsidization.
  

That doesn't sound too hard or overly complicated, but it seems like a majority of people in Washington (save for some Republicans and fewer Democrats) think that holding up a failing industry and not holding it accountable is a good idea.

It's also important to note that BANKRUPTCY HASN'T HAPPENED YET. The automakers feel "threatened," and so they're begging Congress for a handout. I'm a liberal but, really, I hate handouts. Especially speculative handouts to companies that exploit foreign labor, push grossly expensive products, and STILL can't turn a profit. Handouts to Iraqi war vets, the transitional unemployed, and socially unstable families looking for assistance? Maybe, but certainly not the auto industry.

Detroit: Get with the program and start moving toward hybrid-electric vehicles. Stop inundating American culture with the need for behemoth steel death machines. And take some responsibility for your current place in the world.

Whew.