Standard Procedure: Fun with the Code of Conduct

In case you've ever looked at me and wondered why I don't just buy t-shirts, it's because I like to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty. I prefer to force my hands deep into the muck of popular neo-libertarian culture and hope that nothing bites my hairy knuckles before I find some truth. And you can't do that real proper without the exaggerated action of rolling your sleeves up. That's why I'm in love with the Rice Standard-- it's basically a commune of people who would weave a throw for Ron Paul made out of their parents' skin, put in print and ready for my special brand of satire. You know, the kind puts my sleeves at elbow-level and forces me into heavy alcohol abuse.

So anyways, I didn't have to delve far into this month's (week's? semi-bi-quarterly's?) issue to find a real gem of a feature on the Rice University Code of Conduct. By gem, of course, I'm talking about that sound that gems make when you smash them into a chalkboard and pull downward with all your might. It's not so much an article, or story, or even really a piece of writing as much as something you might see on the message boards of FARK.com. Seriously. It's actually a set of bullet points, attempting to shred the wording of the Code of Conduct into barbacoa. Luckily, I eat barbacoa for dinner.

If you want to subject yourself to the entire magazine of bullet points, check it here. It's an unsigned piece, which means I can only assume that the entire staff of the Standard sat around for a week making guttural noises and drinking Vitamin Water while they poured through the CoC and tried to find misspelled words and forcibly injected chunks of asphalt from Fifth Avenue into the base of their necks.

But let's make this clear right off the bat: I'm not a puppet of the Rice Administration. I've had my own share of run-ins, as well as wincing in pain every time my roommate my friends people I may or may not know find themselves in the office of the big Don-O. But if you're going to attack a piece of legalese, please realize that attacking word choice and intentionally vague wording makes you sound more like the editor of a neo-libertarian literotica than a concerned citizen.

Crap. I made fun of bullet points. Now I can't pick the Standard apart like they picked apart the CoC. Or maybe I will. I think that's called... satire. Or being too lazy to delve into the deeper flaws of the piece.

I play reading the Standard sort of like I listen to music-- on random, with the fun stuff first. Check this out, for example.

“Possession of weapons, including all firearms (including legally registered ones), compressed air-guns, pellet guns, BB guns, or illegal knives, dangerous chemicals, or explosive devices (including fireworks) of any description.” Taking into account the “on or off campus” clause, this means possession of a toy pellet gun at your parents' house in a different state could be a Class I violation.

Okay, seventh-grade English time. Let's talk hyperbole. Hyperbole is where you take a completely rational thought and pump it with enough PCP and meth to destroy a a small town, then throw it back in everyone's face like you're a genius. Fans of hyperbole include girlfriends and politicians. But the Standard takes hyperbole and puts it on mushrooms, turning logic into a purple goo that breathes and drips down the wall and tells you to buy stock options. Thank God my brother owns the BB gun back in Florida and not me, or else I'd be an interstate criminal. I might even get U-Court. That sounds like something that would really happen.

Did you know our Constitution is worded such that we can set up concentration camps that imprison dumb people for eternity? It's true, but that doesn't mean that it's going to happen anytime soon.

Let's look at another piece of logical refuse.

“The Assistant Dean of Student Judicial Programs may modify the procedures in a particular matter in order to reach a timely and just decision.” “Timely and just” are fine, but defined by whom?

Wow, what a rhetorical question! It's not like this rule is purposefully vague to your advantage or anything. It must be because the evil vampires that run the university want to fuck the rules and throw kids in lockup the minute the case hits DO's desk. It couldn't be because the Office of Judicial Affairs sees a thousand ridiculous, frivolous cases a day a needs a legal route to throw them out to expedite the bureaucratic process. And defined by whom, you ask? God. Super-scientist Dr. Reed Richards. Me. Anyone but you, because you don't have enough common sense to realize that "timely and just" is just that-- common sense.

Let's grab one more. I'm sure you can make the rest of my predictable jokes on your own.

“All enrolled students are also subject to Rice University policies, rules and regulations whether they are on or off campus.” Most of the violations described do not distinguish as to where the violation took place.

What? You mean I can't cheat, lie, steal, and masturbate in the library while I'm off campus? You mean EVERYONE has to follow the rules?

Fuck this, I'm transferring to NYU. At least they got street vendors.